Let me take you back to early high school.
My brother and I were 12 months apart so lets just say I wasn’t an overly girly girl. If my brother had a new friend, I had a new friend and I generally tagged along with the boys… In hindsight probably much to his disgust. Soz Nige. I had a few girl friends but I wouldn’t hang around with them too much and much preferred pulling pranks with the boys at the lockers then sitting around bitching about other girls. It just wasn’t me. I connected better with boys and didn’t really ever feel like I fit in with the girls.
I think because of that I didn’t really take much notice of my appearance or worry too much about me. It was that freeing time that the girls were all becoming insecure but I was left behind because I didn’t care what my hair looked like that much… I did wear a tragic BYS foundation, that was very orange, influenced by one of my only girl friends but apart from that there wasn’t that self-awareness. That big insecurity. Looking back my early years of high school were pretty cruise-y. I tried the popular thing. It sucked. I found a small group of peeps that were still totally childish and hung with them having races down a hill, hanging out at the library and not worrying about what everyone else thought. It was fabulous.
Fast forward a few years and it all hit me at once. My self confidence took a beating when I started at a new school, became friends with a relatively shitty group of girls and for the first time boys weren’t talking to me like a chilled out friend – they were talking to me because they were interested in me. Small school. New girl. Lots of talk. It made me go from one extreme to the next and I didn’t deal with it very well. Lets add in here at this time I’d discovered my first pube and my boobs were pushing a C cup overnight. Shit was getting real.
One thing that has always stuck with me is something the boys at this new school would say about me. They would say I needed a paperbag. When I first heard this in all my innocence I had no fucking idea what they were talking about. Well, for those who are confused like I was, it was because they loved my well-developed chest, skinny waist, big butt and chicken legs but they didn’t like my face so I should cover it with a paperbag.
So charming right?
And this wasn’t something that just one of the boys said it was a continual joke amongst the whole lot of them collectively.
It wasn’t until I saw a meme recently this memory popped into my head and I realised how much it affected me at the time. Most of you will know the feeling of being a bit lost when you’re at school. I felt that but I also really disregarded my mental health. I blocked out how much it hurt me that those boys were saying that and instead laughed it off but inside I was completely broken. It made me hate my braces, pimples, hair, dimples and big smile. I thought because that’s what they were all saying that is what I had to feel. So I did. For years. I felt like my body was my only asset because of the way the boys treated me. I felt like I couldn’t love my personality or my face because for so long the echoes of those stupid guys rang in the back of my mind. And really all I wanted was to be friends with them.
I’m not telling you all this for a pity party. I’m telling you because I can honestly say my self worth and love for myself is stronger than ever. It’s taken me years but I’m so proud. I’m proud because as I have gotten older I’ve let go of being cruel to myself about weight gain or any hang ups I have about my physical appearance.
I fucking love myself.
I love me for me.
I have my days where I feel a little bit crap but I do…..
Sure I love my legs, bum and waist but I also love my strong personality. My ability to express my opinion and openly say when I don’t think something is right. I love my singular dimple and how my smile is big. I love how my lips are full and my ears are small. I love how I take time out when I need it and recognise that I am hard on myself at times. And most of all I love how I don’t take shit from anyone in life.
And it feels so fucking brilliant to say that. My insides do a happy dance and my heart feels full.
What I’m wearing: ONLY Manna Flower Bomber (size 8, gifted) | The Beginning Co Tee (size 1, gifted) | Becky Boyfriends Jeans (Size 11, I can fit a 10 as well) | Elroy Harper Sunglasses (only available in black) | Sportsgirl bag (similar) | Lack of Colour Hat
And it’s cool to say that. It’s cool to say you love yourself. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.
I'm a retail manager by day and a blogger by night aiming to bring you the newest beauty, fashion and lifestyle news. More Than Adored was created to help beauty lovers, like myself, make informed decisions when it comes to buying new goodies.